Oh the halcyon days...

I am not nearly on the verge of hanging up my bananaskirt just because I'm becoming a Mummy soon.

Not just anyone's mummy at that, but Dobbes' Mummy. Dobbes, son of Mobbes whom Ferlin (good friend, sage and Angle Oracle) says is a special child, far better, wiser and "gooder" than I could ever be if I tried. Dobbes knows whether I'm sad or glad, varying the tempo and tone of his kicks according to my mood.

He has a personality which is growing stronger everyday. When I first saw him somersault on the ultrasound screen, I thought to myself, "Okay, that is all Leonard's genes -- wired and physically active!" but now I am realising that Dobbes is not just a combination of Mobbes + Bobbes but larger than the sum of our parts. A gestalt baby, so to speak.

He has a mind of his own and needs to be spoken to reasonably and rationally. No amount of cooing would work on him I think, though he calms down from his vigorous stretching and jazz dancing with a lot of loving belly-petting and attention. My tummy varies from looking quite averagely bloated to beached whale proportions especially after dinnertime. But Dobbes always, always feels huge and all-consuming, his presence felt every second of every hour, our bond so strong that I cannot possibly tear my thoughts away from him or anything to do with him.

Even in sleep, he dominates and reigns supreme. No amount of pillows (pregnancy ones or otherwise) and propping can satisfy him to allow me to drift into slumber for more than twenty minutes before getting up to toss, turn or pee.

Cuddling with his Daddy all night like I used to is a sweetly distant memory. He kicks between us so that we spring apart and I have to shift again. When Leonard tries to spoon me, Dobbes will either kick or nudge violently into my ribs, sometimes in a fervent pulsating way that makes me afraid for his safety, what more comfort. So Daddy will eventually give up, roll over to the far side of the bed, leaving me with our son to contemplate the sacred, secret developments of our bodies and how we're both preparing to meet each other soon.

And all the times when Mobbes is away, it is just me, Dobbes and sleepless nights filled with love and longing. For comfort, to have our family whole and anticipating a time when all that is meant to be falls into place.

In the meantime, I revel in this exquisite pain-pleasure because I chose this... I choose Dobbes and I choose to be alive.